I have a question

[Patty Petty]

Ok, here's the situation. A girl that went to our high school, passed away the other day from breast cancer. I did not know her. She was a few years ahead of us. Not only didn't I know her, her name doesn't even sound familiar.
Well my friend, Mark, is friends with someone who was very good friends with this girl. So, he did know the girl and although he wasn't great friends with this girl, because of his friends friendship with the girl, she was an acquaintance of his. He also knows quite a few of the girls other friends, too.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with him and he was telling me about all the arrangements. Where the funeral home is, which is kind of far from here. And then he said that they were having a luncheon at the girls sisters house (which he is doing 99.9% of the cooking), and he proceeds to tell me the address of the sisters house. All the while, I'm listening, going, "Mmm hmm, mmm hmmm..." So after he's finally done telling me of the arrangements, he says, "Are you going to come?" Quite frankly, I was floored. But, me, being the upfront person I am, immediately responded, "No. Mark, come on. I didn't even know the girl. Nor do I even know any of her friends or family. You, yourself, weren't really friends with her. You're there because of Des and you know some of her other friends and her mom and sister."
After I stated my reason(s), he responded flatly, "Oh, ok." I really got the impression he was put off by what I said.

Am I wrong? I'm just curious how other people would feel. I really don't think I am wrong or I am some horrible person, but really. So, what are your thoughts?

[Starfish]

No, Patty, I don't think you're wrong. It sounds like Mark might have wanted you there to keep him company, or maybe he didn't realize you didn't know the girl at all.

[Patty Petty]

Thanks for replying, Nancy. See, well that's the thing. I'm not even sure HE'S going to the funeral home. Like I said, he is doing ALL of the cooking for the luncheon afterwards, so he will be at the sister's house, heating everything up, setting everything up, serving, etc... Wow, now this didn't even dawn on me, but maybe he wanted me to volunteer to go to the sister's house and help him with all of that? I didn't even think of that. Nevertheless, my answer would still be a resounding "No."

Also, he knows full well I never knew the girl. I told him that a few times when he would be telling me about her and he'd say, "I think you know her..." Well, I'll call him this weekend and see how he reacts to me.

[weird monkey]

I also think you are right not to go, and I think Mark wanted you there for his sake. An erroneous assumption on his part.

His reaction was probably disappointment that his expectation wasn't met, but hopefully he will find your explanation reasonable. I might add that he was being somewhat manipulative by building up the case for going by trying to create a connection between you and the deceased that didn't really exist.

[emmie]

Well, being English I have a completely different view on funerals that North Americans do. In England, usually a funeral is pretty private (unless the deceased has specifically asked for a great big shin-dig). It's normally attended by very close family members (cousins don't usually bother unless abnormally close to the person). Close friends, and perhaps some close co-workers. We don't normally make a big ballyhoo out of them with people showing up because their neighbour knew the babysitter who lived next door but one to the deceased's cousin-in-law. Frankly, I don't understand why anyone would WANT to attend a funeral (much less a showing ICK) of someone that they barely have even heard of. But then that's perhaps just my twisted thoughts on the subject.

[Patty Petty]

^ Thanks for the reply, ladies.

Yes, I agree with you, Marcia. It bugged me how, when he would bring up this person, and always add, "I think you know her...." I told him the 1st. time, "Hmmm.. no, name isn't ringing any bells." Then a couple weeks later, he'd be giving me an update on her and say the same friggen thing again! And, I would say the same thing! That I did NOT know this person, was that her married name or maiden name etc... He then told me her maiden name and it STILL wasn't ringing any bells.
Finally, a week or so ago, before she passed, he and I were messaging back and forth on Facebook. Low and behold he says again how I know her! I was pretty livid. I replied back and I said how it was such a shame, and I was sorry to hear she took a turn for the worse, yattta yatta yatta. Then I added, "But, I'm sorry Mark, I do NOT know this woman at ALL."

And emmie, I hear you. I don't think your thoughts are twisted at all. I pretty much agree with you.

[Patty Petty]

Alright, I need to step back from him for awhile. He's REALLY pissing me off. He's become like an advocate for this girl's funeral. I see he now commented on another girl's FB page, asking HER if she would also be going tomorrow. The girl had no idea what he was talking about and politely asked what was happening on Friday. He then replied how it was this girl's funeral and he thought maybe she knew her and would be going! WTF?!?!:mad:

[LizzieB]

So, maybe he's feeling weird that he's involved in all of the arrangements and he's looking for a partner in crime...someone else not really friends with the woman, but going to the funeral, etc. If that's the case, then don't feel bad. He got himself into that situation.

[Magnolia]

I think a simple "no, I'm sorry I won't be able to make it" is sufficient. You don't owe anyone any explanations or excuses. Then just move on. If this guy continues to harrass you about it, just put him on "ignore". LOL

[Patty Petty]

^ LOL, Barb! I hear ya!

And you're right, Lizzie. He did get himself into that situation. Why he did that, I have no idea. That's a lot to do, for one person. A simple casserole dish for the family would have sufficed. That's just my opinion.

It's funny, I was just talking to a friend yesterday about people who love funerals. I think we all know someone like that. Like you said, emmie, a friend of a friend of the babysitter's cousin who somewhat knew the deceased, lol. We know a woman, and God love her, she is great, but she goes to funerals regularly. It's like wtf, Janet? LOL!

[KansasPettyFan]

I am late but I think you handled it just fine. If you don't know the person, you don't know the person. He'll back off.

People who love funerals? That's crazy!

[Refugee]

I think you handled yourself just fine, Patty.

[Patty Petty]

Thanks, girls. ;)

[WildflowerNJ]

Patty, I am sorry I did not see this before...yes, I agree with everyone....you know what is the best thing for you to do....

[AmyLou]

awww c'mon Patty - you should go, then why not take a peak at all the upcoming funerals there and go to them too...

seriously, some people like being the center of attention, esp. where it concerns funerals - I know someone here who we call the "funeral lady." She has issues...