The Funny Thread....

[surfnburn]

I think Gatorfan posted this on the old forum.... (I saved it because I emailed it to a biker/Physician Assistant at my clinic...)

Subject: Harleys, Hawaii, God, & Women
>
> A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach
> when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
> booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have been such
> a good man and have been so faithful to me in all ways, I will
> grant you one wish."
>
> The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so
> I can ride over to paradise anytime I want." The Lord said,
> "Your request is very materialistic. There are enormous
> challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required
> to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel
> it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
> I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
> worldly things. I suggest you take a little more time and wish
> for something that could possibly help mankind."
>
> The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
> "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives
> and girlfriends. I want to know how she feels, what she's
> thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
> cries for no reason, what she means when she says nothing's
> wrong, and how I can make a woman really happy."
>
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[surfnburn]

My favorite! For Sharon....

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7971028

[surfnburn]

Homer Simpson Smokes Pot....

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=15317708

[surfnburn]

Darthkitty....

http://www.wildbluegator.com/hellokittyvader.jpg

[agirl]

LMAO!! Thanks ames for the funnies.

[KansasPettyFan]

Lolol!

[Echosoftom]

My favorite! For Sharon....

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7971028

LMAOOOO! Thanks for posting this again Ames! I thought I'd saved this to my favorites but I couldn't find it. My grandson and I watch it almost everyday.

[Gatorfan]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[Mary Jane 49]

LOL Rofl

[surfnburn]

^LOL

http://a504.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/48/l_b6dff3a0968fb505e3f466b9acd35537.jpg

[agirl]

^^^ Lol!!

[Echosoftom]

^^ Ames :043:That is too funny!

[Gatorfan]

http://www.mudcrutch.com/photos/data/500/global.gif

[Echosoftom]

^ LMAOO! Good one Lauren!

[Mudcrutch]

this is sorta funny/interesting/random.

retro-futuristic TV animations. how many do you remember???

iWDNJHeNKp8

[Echosoftom]

Oh, I remember alot of those and way too many of the old ones, lol. That's very cool. You just hear and see that little blurb and it brings back such memories.

[agirl]

Thanks Ryan. Sharon's right so many of them bring back so many memories.

[Gatorfan]

I remember a lot of those too, ahem...but I can't remember yesterday, lol.

[surfnburn]

^Yep...me too...lol

Haha Ryan....I had a lot of cartoon and sitcom flashbacks with those.. It's interesting to see them all together at one time...

Hahaha Gator fan.....I love your undie pic..

[Gatorfan]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[agirl]

LOL! :icon_laugh:

[surfnburn]

^^LOL....eeeww...

Simpsons Rock N Roll Fantasy Camp -- part one

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7281695

Part two -- the last part

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esM0r81G2So

[agirl]

Thanks ames!

[Mary Jane 49]

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.


Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

[KansasPettyFan]

HA!!!

[surfnburn]

LOLOLOL MaryJane

[wild1forever]

LOL, Lauren and Christine!!! Gotta send these to the Mr.

[Mary Jane 49]

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy".

[agirl]

Lmao!!

[Echosoftom]

Good one Christine, LMAOO!

[Gatorfan]

LOL Christine :icon_laugh:

Ames....thanks for the Simpson's...loved both of those clips! :cool::icon_laugh:

[Mary Jane 49]

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'


"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

[agirl]

You're kidding?? That's really nice. The only note anyone would leave on your car here is a parking ticket.

[surfnburn]

I love Coldplay... This is too funny...

GbItoJlfSyI

[agirl]

That is too cute!!

[AndreaM]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."


OMG! This reminds me so much of my father!:icon_laugh:
Last week I had to remind him that I'm washing underwear, not diapers.:078:

[Echosoftom]

Ames, you know what a sucker I am for The Muppets. Too funny.

[Gatorfan]

Things never to say to a cop:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Gatorfan]

Quote:

Originally posted by AndreaM
OMG! This reminds me so much of my father!:icon_laugh:
Last week I had to remind him that I'm washing underwear, not diapers.:078:
It's all ahead of us! :eek:

[wild1forever]

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

HAHAHA!:005:

[surfnburn]

Lolol!!!

[surfnburn]

T07Jl4NbGgE

lol...He can sing and lick an ear!

[Magnolia]

12. When the Officer says "Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

^ HAHAHAHA!!! That's one I've not heard before! :042:

[Echosoftom]

Lauren, those are too funny but this is my favorite...
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. :icon_laugh:

Ames, that doggie is hilarious!

[AndreaM]

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.:043:

[agirl]

When the Officer says "Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

LMAO!!!

[surfnburn]

^LMAO!!! I'm passing that one on to my retired cop brother...lol

http://b7.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/00000/71/21/501217_l.JPG

[KansasPettyFan]

^ LOL

The doggie was cute! hehehe

[Echosoftom]

^^ Ames, that is too funny, LOL!

[Gatorfan]

Ames....love that "super" squirrel! LOL.

Sharon, that's my favorite too:
"I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer" LOL

[agirl]

I love the squirrel! LOL.

[WildflowerNJ]

Hahaha, I love this thread!!! Awww..cute doggie and squirrel....

[Mary Jane 49]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[surfnburn]

^lol!!!!

[KansasPettyFan]

Hahaha!

[Gatorfan]

^^:icon_lol:

[agirl]

Christine, LMAO!!

[Gatorfan]

MAN OF THE HOUSE


A husband had just finished a book titled, "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked right up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director?" said his wife.

[KansasPettyFan]

:043:hahahahahaha!

[Pettyjunkie]

Lmao!!!

[agirl]

Lmao!

[Mary Jane 49]

Rofl

[WildflowerNJ]

Lauren, lol!!!!!!!!!

[Mary Jane 49]

My dog's a blacksmith. Every time we open the front door he makes a bolt for it.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

[WildflowerNJ]

Haha, love these, Christine.....

[Echosoftom]

^^ Christine, LMAOO!

[agirl]

Christine, :icon_laugh::icon_laugh::icon_laugh: I especially like the Michael Bolton one.

[KansasPettyFan]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

[Mary Jane 49]

LOL I like that ROFL :043:

[agirl]

Teresa, that is so funny! :icon_laugh::icon_laugh:

^^Christine I love your avatar!

[surfnburn]

LMAO Teresa!!!! Oooo....that's a cool "star to star" effect.

LOL Christine!

[WildflowerNJ]

Teresa, hahaha..that is a good one!

[Echosoftom]

Oh damn, now that is funny! :043:

[Gatorfan]

Teresa....LMAO :043:

Christine....those were funny...loved the Michael Bolton one.

[Mary Jane 49]

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'

[wild1forever]

^ That is so stupid, it's hilarious!!! :082:

[agirl]

Christine, LMAO.

[Gatorfan]

Fireman Sex

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we
have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all
put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell
3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."

"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way."
"When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want
you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all
night."

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!"
and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled,
"Bell 4!"

"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

[KansasPettyFan]

:043:

[agirl]

Lol!!

[AndreaM]

"Remember to use all your fingers when waving at a police officer."

[agirl]

^ LOL. You mean I can't just use one??

[Mary Jane 49]

Gator http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/happy/happy0032.gif (http://www.arlingtonhotelgroup.co.uk)

[Mary Jane 49]

divorce letter - a joke

Dear Wife:



I'm writing you this letter to tell you thatI'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me

that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week,

you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut,

cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk

boxers.. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to

sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me

anymore, you don 't wan t sex anymore or anything. Either you're

cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm

gone.



Your EX-Husband



P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West

Virginia together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband:



Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been

married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what

you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your

constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice

when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was

" You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say

anything if you can't say anythin g nice. And when you cooked my

favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because

I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you

had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I

prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty

dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were $49.99. After

all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So

when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I

quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home

you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have

the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your

letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born

Carl. I hope that's not a problem.



Signed

Rich As Hell and Free!

[Pettyjunkie]

^LMAO!!

[KansasPettyFan]

LOLOLOL!

[Pettylicious81]

LMAO!!!

[Echosoftom]

Christine, Andrea and Lauren...:044:

[LizzieB]

http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p306/lizzieb_bucket/WomansRemote.jpg

[KansasPettyFan]

Now that is a remote I could use a LOT! lol Hmmmm...dessert, please!!!

[WildflowerNJ]

Hahaha, now that is a good idea!!! I know what I would want, lol!!

Thanks for that, Lizzie.....I love this funny thread!

[Gatorfan]

That's my kind of Remote! LOL

Christine ... LMAO at the divorce letter joke. Loved the line about Carla was born Carl! hahaha

[surfnburn]

LMAO!!!! A button for everything..

[Mary Jane 49]

I want that remote ---LOL

[Mary Jane 49]

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

[Echosoftom]

:icon_laugh: Christine and Lizzie! Very funny.

[AndreaM]

Frank's favorite joke:

Why do the sheep follow the shepherd? "Da-a-aa-aa-d!"

[Gatorfan]

^ :eek::icon_laugh:

[surfnburn]

Here's one of my daughter's...

Why was the math book so sad?

Do Teresa's click and drag from star to star for the answer.
*because it had too many problems*

[agirl]

:icon_laugh::icon_laugh::icon_laugh:

[Pettyjunkie]

LOL!

[WildflowerNJ]

Hahaha!!!

[Gatorfan]

:045: LOL

[KansasPettyFan]

HAHAHA!

[Mary Jane 49]

Be Politically Correct With Men


He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

[asakitten]

:042:

[Echosoftom]

^^ Good ones, Christine. :icon_laugh:

[agirl]

Christine, lol lol.

[Pettylicious81]

LOL! Omg too funny

[Gatorfan]

LOL Christine....."RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION"..:icon_lol:...that's a good one!

[Mary Jane 49]

Advantages Of Being A Woman


Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

[Echosoftom]

My favorite...
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

Why do men never get this? :rolleyes:

[agirl]

^^ LOL, LOL

[Gatorfan]

LOL Christine...

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

^ Been there...done that, many times, lol.

[WildflowerNJ]

Hahaha, me, too, Lauren!!

Thanks for these, Christine....lol!!

[Gatorfan]

http://www.mudcrutch.com/photos/data/500/1071.jpg

[Mary Jane 49]

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gifLOL GATOR

[surfnburn]

^HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[surfnburn]

I love this... It's so imaginative.... I think it captures the marriage dynamic perfectly...lol

MsJxoBKi1is
Dated 1935!

My daughter is always singing the song...lol

[Mary Jane 49]

LOL AMES That is SOOOOOOOSweet http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_27.gifThey don`t make em like that anymore

[Echosoftom]

Awww, Ames that was very sweet! That tune is going to be in my head all day, lol.


Lauren, that is too funny. http://bestsmileys.com/lol/12.gif

[agirl]

Gatorfan that is so cute! And ames that is sweet!

[surfnburn]

hahahahaha....I'd love to "measure up" Johnny....LOL....

99ahcMHAWJ4

[agirl]

Very funny ames. And that second salesman's hair. :icon_laugh:

[Mary Jane 49]

Suits you Sir -LOL The Fast Show ,I went to see the Show live and i was actualy hurting with laughing so much ,THanks Ames

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_219.gif

[Gatorfan]

hahahahaha....I'd love to "measure up" Johnny....LOL....

99ahcMHAWJ4

Right with ya Ames!

[surfnburn]

Friendship (None of that sissy crap)

1) When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

2) When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever it is that’s choking you.

3) When you smile, I will know you finally got laid.

4) When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5) When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6) When you are confused, I will use little words.

7) When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you are well again--I don’t want to catch whatever you have.

8) When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath…I pledge it to the end-- “Why?” you may ask. “Because you are my friend!”

Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to ten of your Top Friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four. (DON’T send it back to me…I don’t want to hear it!!!)

And remember…when life sends you lemons, get some tequila, and salt, and call me.

[agirl]

^^ lol lol

[Mary Jane 49]

Real advertisements


Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

[Mudcrutch]

emmy comedy writing nominations:

UGNLb0ESfVQ

[Gatorfan]

:icon_laugh: Those were all funny Ryan, especially Bill Maher's

[agirl]

Ryan and Christine....:icon_laugh::icon_laugh::icon_laugh:

[Echosoftom]

Ryan, LMAOOO! Gotta love laughing at Bush. He's such a doof!

Christine, those are too funny!


:icon_laugh:

[surfnburn]

Too funny Ryan and Christine.....:icon_laugh::icon_laugh::icon_laugh:

[Mary Jane 49]

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[Echosoftom]

Very funny Christine! These are my two favorites, LOL!

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

[Gatorfan]

LOL....Very funny stuff Christine


Here's one I found the other day:

HUSBAND'S GREAT GIFT

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin.

The husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[KansasPettyFan]

^ LMAOOOO!!!

[Echosoftom]

^^ Lauren :icon_laugh:

[agirl]

LMAOOOO....Christine and Lauren.

[agirl]

I don't know if this has been posted before, but it cracked me up!


pSIjlUMV6Is

[Echosoftom]

^ LMAOOOOO! Yes, I've seen that one but it's still so funny. This would have been the perfect post for Talk Like A Pirate Day!

[surfnburn]

LMAO!!!!! I've never seen that. Thanks so much, Carol..

[Gatorfan]

LMAO...I've never seen it before...that was great. I love George! :heart:

[Pettyjunkie]

LMAO! I've never seen that...How awesome: Pirates and George. :D

[Mary Jane 49]

I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted' and I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again' and I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director now' and I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' I said 'I careered off the road".


Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

[surfnburn]

^LMAO!!!!

[KansasPettyFan]

HAHAHA, Christine! I needed a good laugh...see the I Hate thread. :(

[Echosoftom]

HAHAHAHAHA! Those are great Christine!

[agirl]

^^ LMAO. Thanks Christine.

[Pettyjunkie]

nkpNkBFUKMM

[agirl]

^^LMAO!!

[AndreaM]

This is the funniest picture so far from our wedding, at the after-dinner at Charlie Brown's. I was talking to Sandy, but I have the demented red-eye. I don't remember what was really going on, but the look on Frank's face is priceless! It looks like he's wondering who he REALLY married! Top that with the 'Against All Odds' banner of the store across the mall over my head!:003: Frank says we should be able to enter this pic in some contest somewhere!


http://www.mudcrutch.com/photos/data/500/medium/Frank_009.jpg

[Echosoftom]

^ HAHA! Andrea, don't you just hate that demented red-eye. I've seen that ruin some perfectly good pics.

[surfnburn]

^hahaha....You both look great, red eyes and all. I have green eyes; they always come out red...

For us old people...

http://www.nick.com/turbonick/index.jhtml?extvideoid=46296

Excuse the commercial..

[agirl]

Andrea, lol. I think you guys look fine. Though the look on Frank's face is priceless.

Ames, thanks for the video. I love Mr Crab.

[Mary Jane 49]

I can always tell when my mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

[agirl]

^^ lol lol

[wild1forever]

^^ :icon_laugh:

[Gatorfan]

LMAO.... thanks Christine

[Echosoftom]

LOL @ Christine!

[surfnburn]

HAHAHA Christine!!

[conmae]

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

[Echosoftom]

^ LOL!

[agirl]

Connie, lol, lol.

[WildflowerNJ]

Haha, I love these!!! :045:

[Mary Jane 49]

LOL http://www.websmileys.com/sm/happy/1002.gif

[Mary Jane 49]

One day two drinking buddies, Jim and Dave, were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored.
Jim spoke up, “Man I really need a drink!”
“You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.” Dave said.
“Really?” said Jim.
“That’s what I heard. Wanna try it?”
“Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!”
So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up went to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!” He said.
About that time Jim’s telephone rang… “Hello?”
“Hello Jim, this is Dave. How are you feeling this morning?”
“Man I feel great, no hang over, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?”
“Me too, but I have one question for you.”
“Sure, what is it”
“Have you farted yet?”
“Ummmmm No. Why?”
“DON’T. I’m in Phoenix!”

[agirl]

LMAO!

[wildgator]

HAHA! That's one my Dad would love! The man loves his fart jokes.

[KansasPettyFan]

LOL, Christine!!!! That's a good one!

[AndreaM]

:043:

[Aimee Wilbury]

I wrote this myself a while ago.

Aimee's Laws Of Physics

1. Whenever a cat has to throw up, it will always choose the most expensive carpet.
2. Whenever you don't need something, you can find it -- but when you need it, it's missing.
3. The bathroom is unoccupied until you need to use it.
4. Whenever you have less than 10 groceries, the 'speedy checkout' is closed. When you have 50, it's open.
5. Nothing ever breaks down until the warranty runs out.
6. Your favourite CDs are the first to scratch.


EDIT: Oh, I remember this site from a while ago. Quite hilarious:
http://www.safenow.org/

[Ladywiz]

My beloved Grandmother told me this joke when I was 10:

A not-too-bright girl was about to leave for a church dance. Since she was no dancer her mother advised her to say, "Sorry, I am contemplating matrimony and I'd prefer to sit." Soon a handsome young man asked for the next dance. Overcome with nervousness she replied, "Sorry, I am constipated on macaroni and I'd prefer to shit!"

[Mary Jane 49]

Children's Answers to Science Exam Questions
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[agirl]

LMAO!!

[Wingspan91089]

LMOA!!!! oh, my brother loved that fart joke too. lol

[Mary Jane 49]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[wild1forever]

^ HAHA!

The Mr. sent me these a while back.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

[Aimee Wilbury]

http://img256.imageshack.us/img256/3563/funnymathtestanswer1371th1.jpg

[conmae]

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, wanted to stop but decided I'd better get my shopping done. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."

[surfnburn]

^lol...It's nice to know there are other career options when I'm older...lol

I was going to put this on the photo a day thread, but it's too funny...

http://www.sfgate.com/n/pictures/2007/10/10/doodie11.jpg

[Echosoftom]

^ Ewwwww! LMAOO!

[WildflowerNJ]

Hahahaha!!! Man, these are funny!! Thanks for these laughs, Farmers! :003:

[Mary Jane 49]

Whats a doodie ? tell me then i can have a laugh !!

[Echosoftom]

Christine, doodie is poop!

[Echosoftom]

Yikes! Only his hairdresser knows for sure...Poor Phil. :eek:
http://a713.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/24/m_ceaf2eba1e95c4a53f8a896f5ca2ff08.jpg (http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=193705602)

[Mary Jane 49]

LOL Sharon now i understand:)
What crazy hair too:eek:

[surfnburn]

Yikes! Only his hairdresser knows for sure...Poor Phil. :eek:
http://a713.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/24/m_ceaf2eba1e95c4a53f8a896f5ca2ff08.jpg (http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=193705602)

^LOL...he's having a bad hair day, huh?

[agirl]

LMAO! Thanks everyone for all the funnies.

[KansasPettyFan]

His hair is an atrocity. A little poofy, okay, but there must be something living inside of that mess. :eek:

[agirl]

^ lol. God only knows.

[surfnburn]

LMAO!!

[Mary Jane 49]

http://img515.imageshack.us/img515/3052/secretnuclearbunkernc3.jpg

[Echosoftom]

^ HAHAHAHA!

[agirl]

^ LMAO

[Aimee Wilbury]

http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/8315/a77church2do6.jpg

[wild1forever]

^ LMAO, Christine and Aimee! :icon_laugh:

[Mary Jane 49]

ROFL Aimee

[Mary Jane 49]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[conmae]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
> "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
> would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
>
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let
> such a comment go unrewarded.
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
> drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little
"dust"
> cloud appeared when he shook them out.
>
> "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum
> powder in my underwear?"
>
> She replied with a snicker...
>
> "It's not talcum powder......
> It's 'Miracle Grow'."
>

[LizzieB]

^:icon_laugh:

A farmer and his wife were working in the field. He saw her bent over and said, "Woman, your getting as big as a combine."

Later that night, when the farmer made advances in bed, the wife said, "You think I'm starting up this million dollar piece of machinery for that little corn cob?"

[KansasPettyFan]

LOLOL! These are cracking me up!

[agirl]

LMAO!! Thanks for the funnies, everyone.

[Echosoftom]

LMAOO! Thanks for the laughs you guys.

Aimee, that sermon is hilarious!

[Aimee Wilbury]

http://www.aaaugh.com/jokes/student_bloopers.html

The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.


The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.


The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.


Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.


Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.


In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.


Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.


Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.


In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.


The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.


The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."


During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.


One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.


Continued...

[Aimee Wilbury]

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.


George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."


Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.


Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.


Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.


France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.


The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.


The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.


The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[Mary Jane 49]

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)
On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).


On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)


On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)


On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

[agirl]

LMAO. Thanks everyone for the funnies.

[Echosoftom]

Great laughs you guys!

Has anyone seen those monkeys doing the River dance on that Arby's commercial. I die laughing everytime I see that on TV. LMAO!

[Echosoftom]

LOL! Okay, I found it!

tQOwdupsXUo

[surfnburn]

^WOOT!! You did it!! LMAO at the dancin' monkeys!!

[agirl]

^^ thanks Sharon, that is so funny. That sandwich and those potato bites look so yummy too. I'm starving!!

[wild1forever]

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

:icon_laugh:

[surfnburn]

^LOL...

This is too funny... My cat does this!

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=20388290

[Aimee Wilbury]

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

[Mary Jane 49]

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."

[Mary Jane 49]

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

[Echosoftom]

^ LMAOOO! Thanks for the laughs Christine!

[WildflowerNJ]

I love this thread!! Haha, these are all so good!!!

[agirl]

LMAO!!

[Aimee Wilbury]

"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program"



Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain A detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,
"(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
Turn the computer on, you idiot.
Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

YES | SURE
After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha".
When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message: CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to you and your computer has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately ....
At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

[KansasPettyFan]

LOL, Christine!

[Mary Jane 49]

I went to the seaside for a vacation last year. The landlady said to me, 'We charge twenty pounds a night, bed and breakfast- or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.' 'Oh, all right,' I said, 'I'll make the bed.' And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.


Customer: I'd like a pair of stockings for my wife.
Storekeeper: Sheer?
Customer: No, she's at home.


There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head.
Claimed they looked like hares from a distance.

[agirl]

LMAO, Christine!

[Aimee Wilbury]

http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/accident/bugrug.asp

...a passel of French delegates to a Moscow trade fair, understandably alert to the possibilities of their hotel room being bugged, cut through a maze of multi-colored wires they discovered cleverly hidden under the carpet. The floor was thick, but not so thick that it deadened the sound of the chandelier crashing in the room beneath them.

[wildgator]

http://www.mudcrutch.com/photos/data/500/real-moron.jpg

A real moron!

[Mudcrutch]

http://isitchristmas.com/

[wild1forever]

^ LMAOOOOO! Ryan and Christine, I absolutely LOVE your dorky senses of humor. :icon_laugh:

[Pettylicious81]

LOL.."is it Christmas?" lol....and Christine LOL...omgg I love it :)

[Mary Jane 49]

Ryan LOL

[KansasPettyFan]

LOL, Ryan!!!

[Mary Jane 49]

How do you get five donkeys on a fire engine?
Two in the front, two in the back, and one on the roof going EE-AW-EE-AW.

How do you start an onion race?
"Onion marks! Get set! Go!

How do you catch a squirrel
You climb up a tree and act like a nut.


How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you later.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't: you get down from a duck!

[wildgator]

^LOL Christine!

[agirl]

lol, lol, lol

[Mary Jane 49]

TRUE STORY
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

[Aimee Wilbury]

thats an urban legend http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/accident/toilet.asp

[Mary Jane 49]

er excuse me Aimee ,stop trying to be smart , we all know that

[Mary Jane 49]

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

[Aimee Wilbury]

er excuse me Aimee ,stop trying to be smart , we all know that

not everyone. there are other versions there, too.

[Mary Jane 49]

Aimee this is a joke thread, it doesn`t matter where it comes from for goodness sake

[Aimee Wilbury]

The best question has many answers. I am reminded of the story about a student who protested when his answer was marked wrong on a physics test.

In answer to the question, "How could you measure the height of a tall building, using a barometer?" he was expected to explain that the barometric pressures at the top and the bottom of the building are different, and by calculating, he could determine the building's height. Instead, he answered, "I would tie the barometer to a string, lower it to the ground and measure the length of the string."

His instructor admitted that the answer was technically correct but did not demonstrate a knowledge of physics.

The student then rattled off a whole series of answers involving physics-- but not one using the principle in question: He would drop the barometer and time its fall. He would make a pendulum and time its frequency at the top and the bottom of the building. He would walk down the stairs marking "barometer units" on the wall.

When the instructor finally demanded the "simplest" answer to the question, the student replied, "I would go to the building superintendent and offer him a brand-new barometer if he will tell me the height of the building!"

[Mary Jane 49]

I give up

[Aimee Wilbury]

I give up

I don't get that. Doesn't seem very funny. :confused:

[wildgator]

Oh, Chris...you are fighting a losing battle.

[Mary Jane 49]

Aimee dear --Please don`t try to take me on ---You will lose
In fact why am i wasting my time ? its like talking to a brick wall , now its the ignore button

[surfnburn]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received
from some employees, who may be easily offended, this type of language
will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical
importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when
communicating with coworkers.



Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.



1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.



2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a b__tch.



3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?



4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.



5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got t o be sh--ing me!



6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a s--t.



7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.



8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___ is this sh-t?



9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh-t won't work.



10) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.



11) TRY SAYING:
;Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
F___ you!



12) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.



13) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
I'm not doing this sh-t, I'm on salary.





14) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
You're a dumb a__.



15) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's an a-- hole.

Thank You,

Human Resources Department

[Echosoftom]

^ LMAOOOO! I love it Ames! Here's my favorite...

10) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.
:icon_laugh:

[wild1forever]

^ Those are hilarious; this one has the most "personal significance" for me.

12) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

[Mary Jane 49]

LOL Ames , those are brilliant